Balancing forces of instability

It’s been three months. It must be time for another health update.

I’ve been longing to achieve a place of stability, where everything is calm and settled. But these last months I’m slowly coming to terms with the reality that my life is really about balancing forces of instability.

The last two years of medication, therapy, changes to environment, wise choices, and support from family and friends, have stopped the extremes of my condition – there is less see-sawing.
I’ve levelled out a great deal, but I’m still constantly seeking balance. It’s about noticing the things that may cause me to wobble, noticing when the wobble has started and acting to restore my emotional balance.

Study
I’ve enrolled to study one subject – John’s gospel. I’m quite nervous having not had any academic thoughts for over 12 months. In preparation, I am trying to read some related topics. The aim has been to read 40 mins a day. I don’t always make it and I’m exhausted afterward. Next week I start classes – three hours in a row (with a 20 minute morning tea break).

People
I continue to be overwhelmed easily. But I am also feeling a little isolated.
I know friends have been gracious in stepping back and giving me space to recover, but now the gap has been long.
I wonder if we are still friends.
I wonder how they will respond if I reach out.
I wonder if I have the energy to take initiative to contact them.
I wonder if I have the energy to lead conversations the way I have in the past.

Indulgent
It’s been 12 months of no work, no study. Just recovery, re-learning, relaxing.
Am I just being indulgent?
I’m financially supported by others, I’m free of responsibility.
Should I just ‘get over it’?

Keeping my balance is hard work!

Please support me:
contact me – text messages are my jam guys
allow for my exhaustion in social contexts (my brain is working hard)
remind me that my value is not dependent on my capacity

How are you going Milika?

Sometimes people ask me this. My response is usually a sort of smile, an utterance of ‘the same’ and then the conversation skitters away.

What do I mean when I say – ‘the same’? I mean my bipolar is still not stable.

I am so grateful my depressive episode Aug – Dec has lifted.

What is better?

  • I get dressed everyday
  • Most days I clean/cook/organise something my house
  • I watch Brookyn 99
  • I eat most meals
  • I take my medication regularly
  • I converse with Stephen most days
  • I have a weekly routine
  • I continue to post on the blog
  • I go to a cocktail bar alone – OK, that could be a negative but it’s a demonstration of confidence.
  • I see friends
  • I look forward to fun things
  • I like my psychiatrist
  • Sometimes I can articulate my emotions with words or pictures
  • I appreciate looking at new people – from a distance
  • Text messages receive responses within a week

But I am still thrown by uncontrollable thoughts and emotions.

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